The Flip Side

I love having this blog that I write in only occasionally. I don't overshare or fabricate thoughts, I simply write when I feel the need. Less than 6 months ago I was thinking about giving up on my dreams. I said it was because I "couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel." I think a large part of that was due to the fact that people were finally seeing my mistakes and placing me in a box because of them. Don't let me fool you, I have made a LOT of mistakes in my past 6 years, but I have also grown within those mistakes as well. It has been a struggle for me to find motivation to go the extra mile and do more than the minimum. But, for once, I have found that motivation, and it lies within ME. I used to base my potential off of what people thought of me. If they thought I could make it, I could make it; if they thought I was done for, then I might as well give up. I don't believe that anymore. I feel as though mostly everybody is waiting for my next big screwup, but that's okay with me because I'M not. I have to do this for myself, because if I don't then I will truly be those mistakes that people identify me with. I think I've alienated people I care about, not by being ugly, but by keeping my distance. Part of it is because I have always thought most people were ultimately motivated by their own selfish desires, and now the bigger part is because I know if I get caught up with people I will begin defining my success by how they see me. I'm focusing on me, and it's working. I think I'm largely underestimated, but I also know that part of it is my fault. Oh well! I say. BIG STEP. Big. I'm less worried about how clean my house is and what my friends are thinking than I am about doing the best with what I've got. I am one of the most talented singers in my department, and I'm not squandering that gift any longer. If it takes the rest of my time at UM for my professors to believe in me, so be it. I'm here to make my mark.