Chaos

Montevallo recently lost one of its students in a car accident. I didn't know the girl who was killed but she was a member of the Purple family and in my particular lineage so I feel like I've lost someone I loved. To know the circumstances of how she lost her life was even more disheartening. I sincerely hope the woman who killed her realizes the ramifications of her decision to drive under the influence. I've never taken narcotics, but I've been drunk late at night and really wanted to drive to Huddle or a friend's place. Your inhibitions get lowered and you think "It's just down the street." I thank God that he gave me enough conviction to know that it was not worth it. I doubt the woman who hit Amie and the other students wanted to put anyone in danger. She was just being incredibly selfish and chose to serve herself rather than take into consideration the possibility that she would end a life. Someone posted on a blog that they could hear people screaming and calling for Amie. I can only imagine the grief the family is going through, losing their 18 year old daughter, but more so the trauma that the other passengers are going to carry from being in the car when their friend passed away. I think about them often and my heart hurts every time. I may not have known this young woman, but I am saddened to have missed my chance to be touched by her joy. I sincerely hope that the survivors are surrounded by love and come out on the other side of this healthy.

Pardon the Interruption

Fair warning: This will probably be considered an emo blog.
I don't care what people think anymore, because people are not dependable. You do not know me as well as you think you do. I may fuck up right in front of you but that doesn't mean you know my downfalls. You don't see me busting my ass behind the scenes to make it work in spite of my shortcomings. So stop fucking judging me.
I am done with trust and love, and friendships. I love people and I love having friends and sisters but it is not enough. All you see in me are my faults; that's what it feels like. I will no longer force myself to sit at a table with fake people who have no genuine love for me.
My heart and mind are doing battle against each other and it is ripping me apart. (I told you...emo.) I have friends who I love dearly and sisters who I have pledged my life's blood to, but those pledges are not being re-sent genuinely enough for me. When I know you are talking shit about me behind my back, I'm not going to trust you. When you preach fairness and then don't follow through on it, I'm not going to respect you. You are harder on me than you are on yourself, and that's a backwards policy. I see mistakes people make, but I am harder on myself for what I do wrong than what you do. And I certainly don't have to tear you down in my mind to build myself up.
I also don't disconnect from what hurts for you and what brings you joy. I feel every emotion you feel, and I want to improve my behavior to make you have more happiness. At some point, though, I have to start looking out for myself. So here's a big FUCK YOU to everyone who doesn't care about me, and a big THANK YOU to those who do. You should know which category you fall into.

Okay, end my emo rant. I know my words are not beautiful and couldn't be published in a book that will be read by people and fawned over, but they're my truest intentions. And they're something I have not shared with anyone ever.