Rediscovering Me

I feel like it's time to take a look at myself through a microscope. My character needs to be updated. I find myself so angry with people. I want to shake them, punch them, and tell them everything they should change about themselves. The other day I felt like I was going to scream, and went to tweet my thoughts. As I pulled out my phone and started to type I thought to myself "What if people feel about me the way I feel about him?" I put my phone away and started to think. Most people don't get as annoyed or notice as many faults in other people. I hate that I can't go a day without being irritated (particularly at one person) and wanting to blow up. How come I can't just sit back and relax? There was a time when I was relaxed and happy, not worried about other people. I need to get back to that, and I don't really know how to do it. I went to church and found peace, but I'm not sure that is the path for me now. So for now I'm just being introspective and thinking about my behavior. I've decided on a couple of changes already. I am not going to worry how other people are affected by my mood or actions. That's not to say I'm going to be insensitive, it's just that I'm not going to be so overly sensitive. I spend all my time holding my breath so I don't bother people. The other thing I'm changing is how much I invest into political friendships. I love my friends so much but I know some of them throw me under the bus every chance they get. I'm not going to invest time into those friendships. I'm going to be mindful of their true behavior and guard myself. Those that are unconditional will be the ones I care about.

2010

Where do I begin? My thoughts are racing and I know I need to talk but I don't quite know what to say or where to start.
I've encountered a big change in my life recently. I've always struggled with experiencing emotional highs and lows that I could not control. My mother is bipolar and I thought that I had the same thing, but no doctor had ever confirmed it. The family that raised me always made me feel as if I were being a hypochondriac, and there was nothing wrong with me aside from being a brat. I've felt like it was something more, but was too afraid to see someone who could confirm or deny my fears. I imagined the doctor saying "You're fine, Ms. Vest." and I would break down and realize that I was just crazy and there was no help for me. I finally got the courage to go see a psychiatrist and he confirmed my thoughts. I have been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. I have not begun my medicine because I can't afford it at the moment, but I will be shortly. I have never been more relieved than when the doctor told me that there is a way to cope with this disease. I'm not crazy, I'm not a brat or a bitch, I'm just someone who has a little imbalance that needs to be corrected. I can't wait to tell you how things have changed in a month.
The next topic on my brain is the new year. I don't want to make too many cliche resolutions because I know I probably won't hold to them. But I will make 2: 1 is that I will not get any drastic haircuts, and 2 is that I will not get drunk. I'd like to avoid alcohol altogether as it would do wonders for my voice, but I don't want to disappoint myself if I have a beer. I won't be playing College Night, so I'll have plenty of sleep, but I will be a vintage for the first time and I want to experience that in a positive way. Typically this means by drinking at all College Night and Purple events. I need to avoid this though, because my senior recital is a mere 2 1/2 months away. Something that I've both feared and dreamt of is within my grasp. I want to do my best on that stage and blow every audience member away. So in keeping with a commitment to that dream, I won't be drinking hard liquor or drinking into all hours of the night.
Other things that I'd like to start doing in 2010 are not necessarily resolutions, because I don't want them to last just one year. For most of my life I had a beautiful, thin body that I treasured. Somehow I've let that body go to the wayside. I love myself now, I've grown to know myself, but I'm still unhappy with the treatment of myself physically. I don't think I am an emotional eater, or I eat my feelings. I think I just enjoy food. It's like shoes; clothes may never fit but you can always depend on food and shoes to feel good. I want to reprogram my mind to believe that enjoying food is fine, but overindulging will only leave me in regret and disappointment. Food is not worth it. Shoes, however, will always be worth the pain of a low bank account.
I've thought a lot recently about my friends. Truthfully, I'm always evaluating where my friendships stand, worrying about how the other person feels. But I've found some friends lately to be taxing. There is great potential, but if one stray word is said or misinterpreted, tension appears. I hate that! I want to say to them "It's fine!! Things don't have to be perfect or peachy all the time. We can disagree, you can say when you think something I'm doing is wrong! That's what friends are for, the checks and balance system. I love everyone of my friends, that's the honest truth. But I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around them. I want them to feel like they can be themselves, with no fear of judgement. I'm too busy looking at my character in the mirror to be worried about correcting them. That's not to say that I won't have some opinions about their choices, but it is to say that I don't spend every moment doing that. I want to enjoy the bond we share, and I couldn't do that if I was always trying to be better than them or tear them down in my mind.
Saying that brings me to this: I am whittling down my inner circle. If I feel as though someone is being dishonest or 2 faced, they're out. I won't share my heart with them only to find that they are ripping it apart behind my back. There are quite a few people who I feel are not genuine. I don't have the desire to be around them. If you're a chore you're too much for me. Tiffany and Mandy have been there from day one and will always have my heart. They NEVER judge (too heavily) and they always listen. I've felt crazy for so many years and Tip especially has been the one to hear me out and help me feel level again. I love her beyond words, and couldn't have a better sister. Tyree and Pat are my go to guys for inspiration. They serve it up straight and pull no punches. Tyree is this little enigma to me, always building a maze to keep you from finding who he is. But on the same turn of the coin, you see who he really is, his character. He is my first born son and someone who I will always admire. Then we come to my music department family. Yammy and I shared an instant connection and that hasn't changed in the past 2 years. We run in different circles but I still feel as if she is there when I truly need her and I would do anything for her. Chad has been there since my freshman year, and is a barrel of fun. David came late in the game, but has made up for lost time. I have never been so in love and able to talk to someone when I have an issue. He is, for better or worse, the epitome of what I want in a friendship OR relationship. He may not listen all the time, but he eventually comes around and I feel that he truly loves me. In my past 2 relationships I have come out on the other end blindsided by deceit and abuse that nobody knows about. I really hope that doesn't happen with David, I'm not living in fear that it will, but man will my heart be broken if that happens. I'm just keeping my eyes wide open and enjoying every moment with him. If he gets a job and holds down the fort, we will truly be a fairytale to tell our children and grandchildren.
All these people and many more have had a hand in shaping who I am. Whether by showing me what I don't want in a friend, or how to move forward, or even how to keep your composure when you're boiling inside. In 2010, I hope to shave a little stress off, keep my momentum as a performer (because, if I may say so myself, I am kicking ASS), get regulated on my medication so my mind can begin to right itself, and strengthen the love I have for myself by fortifying my body and mind against attacks. As Tyree said tonight after the movie "I'm going to make 2010 my bitch!"

Chaos

Montevallo recently lost one of its students in a car accident. I didn't know the girl who was killed but she was a member of the Purple family and in my particular lineage so I feel like I've lost someone I loved. To know the circumstances of how she lost her life was even more disheartening. I sincerely hope the woman who killed her realizes the ramifications of her decision to drive under the influence. I've never taken narcotics, but I've been drunk late at night and really wanted to drive to Huddle or a friend's place. Your inhibitions get lowered and you think "It's just down the street." I thank God that he gave me enough conviction to know that it was not worth it. I doubt the woman who hit Amie and the other students wanted to put anyone in danger. She was just being incredibly selfish and chose to serve herself rather than take into consideration the possibility that she would end a life. Someone posted on a blog that they could hear people screaming and calling for Amie. I can only imagine the grief the family is going through, losing their 18 year old daughter, but more so the trauma that the other passengers are going to carry from being in the car when their friend passed away. I think about them often and my heart hurts every time. I may not have known this young woman, but I am saddened to have missed my chance to be touched by her joy. I sincerely hope that the survivors are surrounded by love and come out on the other side of this healthy.

Pardon the Interruption

Fair warning: This will probably be considered an emo blog.
I don't care what people think anymore, because people are not dependable. You do not know me as well as you think you do. I may fuck up right in front of you but that doesn't mean you know my downfalls. You don't see me busting my ass behind the scenes to make it work in spite of my shortcomings. So stop fucking judging me.
I am done with trust and love, and friendships. I love people and I love having friends and sisters but it is not enough. All you see in me are my faults; that's what it feels like. I will no longer force myself to sit at a table with fake people who have no genuine love for me.
My heart and mind are doing battle against each other and it is ripping me apart. (I told you...emo.) I have friends who I love dearly and sisters who I have pledged my life's blood to, but those pledges are not being re-sent genuinely enough for me. When I know you are talking shit about me behind my back, I'm not going to trust you. When you preach fairness and then don't follow through on it, I'm not going to respect you. You are harder on me than you are on yourself, and that's a backwards policy. I see mistakes people make, but I am harder on myself for what I do wrong than what you do. And I certainly don't have to tear you down in my mind to build myself up.
I also don't disconnect from what hurts for you and what brings you joy. I feel every emotion you feel, and I want to improve my behavior to make you have more happiness. At some point, though, I have to start looking out for myself. So here's a big FUCK YOU to everyone who doesn't care about me, and a big THANK YOU to those who do. You should know which category you fall into.

Okay, end my emo rant. I know my words are not beautiful and couldn't be published in a book that will be read by people and fawned over, but they're my truest intentions. And they're something I have not shared with anyone ever.

The Flip Side

I love having this blog that I write in only occasionally. I don't overshare or fabricate thoughts, I simply write when I feel the need. Less than 6 months ago I was thinking about giving up on my dreams. I said it was because I "couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel." I think a large part of that was due to the fact that people were finally seeing my mistakes and placing me in a box because of them. Don't let me fool you, I have made a LOT of mistakes in my past 6 years, but I have also grown within those mistakes as well. It has been a struggle for me to find motivation to go the extra mile and do more than the minimum. But, for once, I have found that motivation, and it lies within ME. I used to base my potential off of what people thought of me. If they thought I could make it, I could make it; if they thought I was done for, then I might as well give up. I don't believe that anymore. I feel as though mostly everybody is waiting for my next big screwup, but that's okay with me because I'M not. I have to do this for myself, because if I don't then I will truly be those mistakes that people identify me with. I think I've alienated people I care about, not by being ugly, but by keeping my distance. Part of it is because I have always thought most people were ultimately motivated by their own selfish desires, and now the bigger part is because I know if I get caught up with people I will begin defining my success by how they see me. I'm focusing on me, and it's working. I think I'm largely underestimated, but I also know that part of it is my fault. Oh well! I say. BIG STEP. Big. I'm less worried about how clean my house is and what my friends are thinking than I am about doing the best with what I've got. I am one of the most talented singers in my department, and I'm not squandering that gift any longer. If it takes the rest of my time at UM for my professors to believe in me, so be it. I'm here to make my mark.

Me, Myself & I

Just like the Beyonce song says, you only have yourself in the end. You cannot lean on anyone else to help you along. It sounds so dramatic and those that "know me" would say it too. But no matter how many times I reach out to friends or try to get into a relationship it always ends up badly. And ultimately it comes back on me, it gets blamed on my forward personality. As I've grown up I've tried to temper my tongue and I feel like I've gotten better, but those who've known me the whole time still take small outbursts as me going back to my old ways. It's unfair but it's how things go, and it hurts me to the core. I wish there was just one person who could see who I really am, that I may have a past that has mistakes in it, but I am trying to get better. I keep reaching out to people only to get burned by one mistake. I need to go somewhere new, where nobody knows what I was like before. Then maybe I would be okay. But as long as I stay here where everyone knows every part of the past 6 years of my life I'm going to get hurt. Each time I get hurt I get a little piece of my strength taken away. My strength is the only thing holding me together...so when it goes what will happen to me.

Do you know how hard it is to blog consistently when you don't have the internet? Let's just say it's not easy. I've found myself writing my thoughts down on receipt tape and paper bags at work to keep them from spilling out of my mouth and to an untrustable ear. It's been a rollercoaster lately. I have a job and many people in the country, or world, are without one. So I am thankful for that but I have been wondering how temporary that situation is going to be. I have to pay $300 to get back in school and graduate plus I have run out of loan options. I'm not really sure what practical things I can do to fix this problem; for now I'm just resorting to believing like those people in the Disney movies that everything will work out. What did Belle do to save the Beast? I need to go back and rewatch those movies. Maybe they can show me how to persevere.

There are lots of thoughts floating through my head and they've been there for a while now so I'm trying to do a big purge before I leave home to return to my apartment that has no internet connection. My second biggest bundle of thoughts that have been going through my head has been whether to commit to a long term relationship with my boyfriend. I love him and am very thankful for the support he has given me lately; I just don't know how to tell if the situation he'll be in for the long term is one that's healthy for me. He has no job, no car, and it doesn't appear that he will be getting back into school this coming semester. I am willing to stick it out because I believe in him but I do want to be sure that I am doing what's best for me. I don't want to come around in the future and find that it was a mistake. I like to avoid those when I can. I'm sure some people would just like to enjoy the ride and then get off when they're tired of it but that's not how I function. I like to know what is the smartest choice as early as I can. I believe that if he had the right tools he would succeed, but getting those tools is his block. He doesn't have a family with money or even credit to get a car to get him to a job. I went to visit his mother's place and she didn't even have living room furniture. The bed she and his 2 sisters slept on was a mattress on the floor and their TV was on a milk crate. So, with that said, I think it stands to reason that he is on his own in getting a car. These are all signs that the people surrounding me believe are red flags that should tell me to run but I just don't know that I feel right about leaving him simply because he is poor. He has treated me with such kindness and helps around the house. That is more than I can say for my last boyfriend. He has been so patient with me as I worked through my issues with men and with deep down stuff that just pops up and wreaks havoc on my heart and mind. How do you leave someone like that? It feels like once in a lifetime love. And should he feel this way about me for forever I would be giving up a constant companion. How many people in today's rising rate of divorcing couples can say that they have someone who is this supportive? I think it's few and far between. So my question is when do logistics and practicality take precedence over love and patient support?