2010

Where do I begin? My thoughts are racing and I know I need to talk but I don't quite know what to say or where to start.
I've encountered a big change in my life recently. I've always struggled with experiencing emotional highs and lows that I could not control. My mother is bipolar and I thought that I had the same thing, but no doctor had ever confirmed it. The family that raised me always made me feel as if I were being a hypochondriac, and there was nothing wrong with me aside from being a brat. I've felt like it was something more, but was too afraid to see someone who could confirm or deny my fears. I imagined the doctor saying "You're fine, Ms. Vest." and I would break down and realize that I was just crazy and there was no help for me. I finally got the courage to go see a psychiatrist and he confirmed my thoughts. I have been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. I have not begun my medicine because I can't afford it at the moment, but I will be shortly. I have never been more relieved than when the doctor told me that there is a way to cope with this disease. I'm not crazy, I'm not a brat or a bitch, I'm just someone who has a little imbalance that needs to be corrected. I can't wait to tell you how things have changed in a month.
The next topic on my brain is the new year. I don't want to make too many cliche resolutions because I know I probably won't hold to them. But I will make 2: 1 is that I will not get any drastic haircuts, and 2 is that I will not get drunk. I'd like to avoid alcohol altogether as it would do wonders for my voice, but I don't want to disappoint myself if I have a beer. I won't be playing College Night, so I'll have plenty of sleep, but I will be a vintage for the first time and I want to experience that in a positive way. Typically this means by drinking at all College Night and Purple events. I need to avoid this though, because my senior recital is a mere 2 1/2 months away. Something that I've both feared and dreamt of is within my grasp. I want to do my best on that stage and blow every audience member away. So in keeping with a commitment to that dream, I won't be drinking hard liquor or drinking into all hours of the night.
Other things that I'd like to start doing in 2010 are not necessarily resolutions, because I don't want them to last just one year. For most of my life I had a beautiful, thin body that I treasured. Somehow I've let that body go to the wayside. I love myself now, I've grown to know myself, but I'm still unhappy with the treatment of myself physically. I don't think I am an emotional eater, or I eat my feelings. I think I just enjoy food. It's like shoes; clothes may never fit but you can always depend on food and shoes to feel good. I want to reprogram my mind to believe that enjoying food is fine, but overindulging will only leave me in regret and disappointment. Food is not worth it. Shoes, however, will always be worth the pain of a low bank account.
I've thought a lot recently about my friends. Truthfully, I'm always evaluating where my friendships stand, worrying about how the other person feels. But I've found some friends lately to be taxing. There is great potential, but if one stray word is said or misinterpreted, tension appears. I hate that! I want to say to them "It's fine!! Things don't have to be perfect or peachy all the time. We can disagree, you can say when you think something I'm doing is wrong! That's what friends are for, the checks and balance system. I love everyone of my friends, that's the honest truth. But I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around them. I want them to feel like they can be themselves, with no fear of judgement. I'm too busy looking at my character in the mirror to be worried about correcting them. That's not to say that I won't have some opinions about their choices, but it is to say that I don't spend every moment doing that. I want to enjoy the bond we share, and I couldn't do that if I was always trying to be better than them or tear them down in my mind.
Saying that brings me to this: I am whittling down my inner circle. If I feel as though someone is being dishonest or 2 faced, they're out. I won't share my heart with them only to find that they are ripping it apart behind my back. There are quite a few people who I feel are not genuine. I don't have the desire to be around them. If you're a chore you're too much for me. Tiffany and Mandy have been there from day one and will always have my heart. They NEVER judge (too heavily) and they always listen. I've felt crazy for so many years and Tip especially has been the one to hear me out and help me feel level again. I love her beyond words, and couldn't have a better sister. Tyree and Pat are my go to guys for inspiration. They serve it up straight and pull no punches. Tyree is this little enigma to me, always building a maze to keep you from finding who he is. But on the same turn of the coin, you see who he really is, his character. He is my first born son and someone who I will always admire. Then we come to my music department family. Yammy and I shared an instant connection and that hasn't changed in the past 2 years. We run in different circles but I still feel as if she is there when I truly need her and I would do anything for her. Chad has been there since my freshman year, and is a barrel of fun. David came late in the game, but has made up for lost time. I have never been so in love and able to talk to someone when I have an issue. He is, for better or worse, the epitome of what I want in a friendship OR relationship. He may not listen all the time, but he eventually comes around and I feel that he truly loves me. In my past 2 relationships I have come out on the other end blindsided by deceit and abuse that nobody knows about. I really hope that doesn't happen with David, I'm not living in fear that it will, but man will my heart be broken if that happens. I'm just keeping my eyes wide open and enjoying every moment with him. If he gets a job and holds down the fort, we will truly be a fairytale to tell our children and grandchildren.
All these people and many more have had a hand in shaping who I am. Whether by showing me what I don't want in a friend, or how to move forward, or even how to keep your composure when you're boiling inside. In 2010, I hope to shave a little stress off, keep my momentum as a performer (because, if I may say so myself, I am kicking ASS), get regulated on my medication so my mind can begin to right itself, and strengthen the love I have for myself by fortifying my body and mind against attacks. As Tyree said tonight after the movie "I'm going to make 2010 my bitch!"