Family Christmas

Family has always been important to me, but never something that worked out great. I know they love me, but good Lord they are so ugly to each other. It's like they don't know how to be adults. This is is something I find common with most people though. We think the world is about judgement and competition. However, since I want to use this blog to bring positive light, I did my best to make due. It worked out well actually.

My dad has been married four times now, and none of the previous ones (except for my mother but they divorced when I was two) have been joyous experiences. One in particular was quite horrible. She threatened to break my brother's jaw and strangle him with a coat hanger. She choked me in a fit of anger once and was just basically awful. So needless to say I would have been happy if my dad had remained single, as selfish as that is. But, such as it is, he started dating a woman last summer and 1 month later decided he wanted to marry her. I hadn't so much as shook her hand, so I wasn't thrilled with the idea of him spending his life with her. I eventually met her, and she seemed nice enough but I didn't want to trust too much. I do believe in giving fair shots, though, and she got hers. At first I think she was so worried about our perception of a step-mom that she tried too hard, but I still liked her. They've been married for about 6 months now and she has absolutely grown on me. She is very giving and caring and I am able to talk to her about things that are going on in my life. We aren't necessarily best friends, but I think that given some time we will grow closer. Even if that doesn't happen, it's nice to know my dad has someone who loves him and makes him happy; the fact that she cares about his kids is just a bonus. I'm an adult now, so I can handle if someone doesn't like me but it's nice to have another woman around to talk to. 

Also, my mom and I talked about things through the difficult part of tonight through text. Have you ever noticed how freeing texting is? It may sound strange, but I find I am able to say more when I don't have someone sitting in front of me. I love being around people, don't get me wrong, but somehow I was able to say things to my mom tonight that I've never said. And she was more responsive than I've ever seen her. She usually doesn't say much but tonight she was there giving advice and being my voice of reason.

Somewhere in all this I'm learning that I am okay with myself, by myself. I still have a strong desire for companionship and family but I'm learning that sometimes you have to carve your own spot. It's beginning to take shape, after 23 years, and it feels good. Just hope the universe supports me.

A New Day

There are a whole of lot of thoughts swimming through my head. I am by nature a negative person and I hate it. When I used to write it was to complain. But, after reading Jason's advice, I am going to practice choices. I am going to choose to illuminate the positive aspects. I'm sure some negativity will creep in, but I am going to do my best to rehabilitate the grinch in me.

For most of my young adult life I had people believing in me. I knew from age 13 that I wanted to be a singer, that's what lived inside of me. And, thankfully, everyone around me knew it too. They never discouraged me; sure some didn't really care about my dreams and some thought they weren't going to put food on my table, but they didn't say it that way. They just listened to me sing and said how nice it sounded. My mom used to drive 45 minutes to get me every other weekend. Since I couldn't blow my voice out at home with my dad due to complaining neighbors and the annoyance I would cause, I sang in the car. And I was your typical teenage girl in that I loved pop music and just knew that if I practiced hard enough and listened to Christina long enough I would be able to sing like her. I still do that now when I am in the car alone, but with new music, and I don't know how my mother did it. I mean I sing all the time. But thank God my mom did let me do that. She wasn't able to be a lot of things for me, but she listened. Now I'm working on a degree in Vocal Performance and if I can get my work ethic down I'll be able to put food on the table using my voice. So, today's thank you is to my mom who listened and let me cultivate my talent.